Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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