I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
