my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
