Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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