We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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