theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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