he shaved USA in his pubs
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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