Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
