why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
