Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
