why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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