Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
