onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
