I'm lost and stupid without you.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
