The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So vagazzling was a success
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
