He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
