I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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