eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
