I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
