3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She swung at the pinata with crutches
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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