Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
