I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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