I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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