On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
