Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
