I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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