I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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