Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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