my mouth tastes like poor choices
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
