im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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