So drunk, too bad you don't want this
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
