He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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