Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
