but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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