you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
