I'm going to jail i love you
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
