don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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