he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
