and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
