I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Randomize
