in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
