In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
