I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
