I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
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