A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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