i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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