Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He shit in the fireplace
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
we should paint friendship bongs
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
