Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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