he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
