6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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