So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
