Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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