I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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