You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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