i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
