guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
